Category: Life’s Little Lessons

“Can you watch my little so I can go shopping? ” ( The ‘little’ is your 11-year-old nephew who’s a hellion that destroys your house and eats ALL the snacks.)

“You got $50 I can borrow? I’ll pay you back this time, I swear!” (She owes you $200 already.)

“Would you like to invest in [name that pyramid scheme] for only $400?” (You don’t have $400 to throw at a ‘business’! Your girl is still holding half of that, anyway.)

You really don’t want to watch the little booger. You are also tired of giving your friend loan after loan, knowing that you will never get your money back. And, very few people actually make money with ‘get-rich-quick’ deals anyway. There is a two-letter word that will absolve you of each of these obligations:

How to Say “No” the Healthy Way

We have been conditioned to avoid saying “No” at all costs. What kind, thoughtful, selfless person would you be if you used that awful word? Despite our upbringing, being able to choose not to do, say, act the way others want us to can be a sign of emotional health. Here are aspects of saying “No” in a healthy way.

The Truth Works Best: Instead of talking in circles, say “No” gently but directly. The world will not explode.

Express without Excuses: It is counter-productive to make excuses for why you are saying no. You don’t have to qualify your decision. It is best to just say what you need to say.

Combat Codependency: Everyone will not be happy with your response. Those who expect you to roll over and comply with their every wish may not like your assertiveness. However, saying no allows you to break cycles of codependency and maintain integrity.

Don’t be scared. If you don’t want to do it, just say “No”. If you don’t agree with it, just say “No”. You can do it.

Some days, I simply do not have this parenting thing together! Last week, my parenting style felt more like Atilla the Hun than Mother Theresa. The boys and I really struggled to get into sync; my patience waned when they needed it the most and my desire for quiet cuddles was swept away with wrestling and chaos. Managing my feelings of weariness and worry about personal struggles was challenged by the demands of parenthood. I don’t know about you but fatigue and anxiety is one toxic couple!  The pesky thoughts began to surface again: “What are you doing?? You handled that WAY wrong! Do you want them to resent you for reacting that way? How can I love them so much and be so annoyed by them at the same time?!” I just KNEW I wasn’t winning the Mom of the Week award. And, because I love my little Spartans so much, those hard days feel like monumental failures. Have any of you moms ever felt this way?

Here’s what I’m learning, though. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about persistence. Working at it until I create healthy skills that leads to effective parenting. Hearing Edison apologize to Oliver when he mishandles playtime, without my prompting, tells me that modeling remorse when I have a parenting misstep has taught him the value of an apology. Watching Oliver show genuine concern when Edison falls from his bike reminds me that nurturing Ollie teaches him how to care for others. So, even on the  “Mom, You Suck'” days, my kids are still soaking up lessons that can enhance their lives in such amazing ways.

How to Parent Effectively

Here’s a few ways that we can triumph in this mammoth season called Parenthood.  Perfect parents aren’t required for our kids to grow into well-rounded citizens but being emotionally healthy parents, is.

Children are like wet cement. You will leave an impression, good or bad. What kind of impression should we strive to leave? How do we know when we’re positively impacting our kids’ worldview?

Massages are front runners in my self-care toolbox. I know when I’m overdue to a 60-minute ‘Time-out’ because I become as grizzly as a bear and no one wants to deal with that! Physical Touch is my love language and my preferred self-care consists of activities that render me completely unavailable to the outside world. So, it’s not hard to see why getting a massage would be at the top of my favorite “Treat Yo Self!” list. My wonderful husband gifted me with massages as a birthday present a few years ago and it is truly the gift that keeps on giving, y’all!

Does Self-Care = Comfort?

Here are the things I love about getting massages: the pampering, peace and quiet and alone time. I always leave feeling refreshed and relaxed, ready to tackle the rest of the day. My mind has time to clear and I have experienced moments of clarity on the table that I probably wouldn’t have had anywhere else. But, here’s the deal: massages are not always comfortable. In fact, there are times when my inward wincing becomes an actual grimace because kneading the knots out of my shoulders HURT. I didn’t get a massage to feel pain, I went to my massage therapist to work THROUGH the pain. Pain that comes with anxiety, disappointment, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I am aware that it will not always be comfortable; at times, it will actually feel sucky. But, if I embrace the pressure, I can walk away feeling better than ever.

Most times, embracing the pressure can be the hardest thing we’ve ever done. It can mean that we have to terminate a toxic relationship instead of living in codependency or take the job that pays less but offers a healthier working environment. Stepping into the new can be hard; heck, it can be downright scary at times. But, on the other side of the pressure, is the life that we have only hoped to experience.

Instead of spending our precious life moments trying to escape the discomfort, may we have the courage to embrace the challenges before us. Build a support team and secure healthy relationships to optimize the experience; we’re not created to experience life alone. We are meant to experience LIFE. So, harness your fear, put on your Courage Cape and step into the fray.

Weekday mornings in our house consist of sleeping until the last possible minute, flinging through the shower, throwing clothes at the kids to put on and running out of the house like it’s on fire. Makeup? What’s that? I brushed my teeth, be grateful! So, most morning meals are eaten in the car on the way to school. The backseat of the car may look like a restaurant after the last shift but it’s the price to pay for an extra five minutes of sleep, am I right?

One morning, my son left a cup of milk in my car. When I got into the car at lunchtime, it smelled god awful! Have you ever inhaled the stench of milk left in a hot car for four hours?? Like, UGH. It is truly one of life’s olfactory traumas!

My first thought was, “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” But, it hadn’t spilled, it was curdled. See, spilled milk is a mistake. Curdled milk is the consequence of intentionally avoiding an issue until it’s unmanageable. I had become so accustomed to the chaos that it took a smell equivalent to infant vomit to jar me back to reality! All of a sudden, I couldn’t deal with the leftover breakfast bar wrappers and the empty juice pouches, either. I wanted my clean car back!

We don’t have to resort to debilitating self-deprecation when we make a mistake. We all make mistakes.  But, we can find the courage to face our missteps, own our struggles and learn and grow from them. Taking on that challenge is a far healthier response than avoiding things until life explodes.

Is there an area in your well-being that is “curdling”? What is keeping you from dealing with it?