Category: Life’s Little Lessons

Happy Loving Day!!

Today, on June 12, we are celebrating Loving Day and the couple whose love brought down a wall of systemic racism, by sharing our love story. It took over two years after meeting each other before there was a spark. Wayne was quiet, reserved, stable. A rule follower. I was outgoing, direct, a bit of a rebel. Always on the go. Our friend circles rarely intersected so, initially, we seemed to dance around each other yet never connected. In 2010, everything changed.

As our friend circles became more enmeshed, our interaction grew from Hello and Goodbye to conversations. One day, he mentioned that he enjoyed going to matinees. As it was also one of my favorite things to do, I offered to go with him. So, on Friday afternoons, we would meet up at the movies, get popcorn and catch up on the latest blockbuster in a nearly empty theatre. Matinees turned into movies and coffee, then movies and dinner. There was no rush to make it into something; we just enjoyed each other’s company. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him and the more I wanted to learn about him.

I would be lying if I said that I did not think about what could happen if I became intimately connected with him. As a black woman, I understood that there was a societal understanding that, although it was not illegal to date and marry someone outside your race, it wasn’t necessarily accepted. Especially in the South. And, I was really beginning to like Wayne. Like, REALLY like him. This relationship felt different from the previous ones. It had merit. It held promise. I truly began to feel as if this one could truly work. But, I knew that part of our conversation had to include how race could and would play a part in our relationship.

“I’m Going to Take You Out on a Date”

I was on the road for a gig and missed his birthday party. I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday and told him, “When I get back, I will take you on a date.” Bold, I know! But, he was holding space in my heart, even if I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself yet. Our official first date was at Mel’s Diner (let us have a moment of silence for one of the BEST diners in Lafayette that is no more) on a stormy Sunday night. Over pancakes and bacon, we delved deep into where we had been, where we were and where we wanted to go. We explored past relationships that impacted who we had become. Exploration of heart matters continued well after the coffee grew cold. My understanding of the man across the table from me begin to evolve before my very eyes. What an amazing man he was! How gentle, thoughtful and introspective! And those green eyes! Had I truly not looked into them before? Love was taking shape and no societal restriction could stop it. We were made for each other.

“Love was taking shape and no societal restriction could stop it. We were made for each other.”

A year later, I was on tour in California. We had a day off and a few singers invited me to drive into San Francisco to sightsee. As it had been a long time since I had experienced the Golden Gate Bridge and the many beautiful sights of the city, I jumped at the chance. As we strolled around the awe-inspiring Palace of Fine Arts, I experienced one of the singular greatest moments of my life. Wayne, the ultimate romantic, followed me to California, got down on one knee in front of God, friends and strangers, and asked me to love him for life. In one perfect moment, my life changed forever.

In the spring of 2013, we gathered our closest friends and family into the backyard of a dear friend and pledged our lives and love to each other forever. God blessed us with the one sunny day of that week. Our friends and family were full of tears, love and support. It was a magical day and I have never regretted my decision to dive deep in love with him. Thinking back on that moment still causes my heart to swell with overwhelming love that will, no doubt, last for a lifetime.

Anti-Miscegenation and Interracial Marriage

Why am I telling you our love story? Because, nearly 55 years ago, our love was illegal. State laws forbid interracial marriages, considering them unlawful and sanctioning those who dared with fines and prison time. Consider the perspective of Congressman Roddenbury (1912):

Intermarriage between whites and blacks is repulsive and averse to every sentiment of pure American spirit. It is abhorrent and repugnant to the very principles of Saxon government. It is subversive of social peace. It is destructive of moral supremacy, and ultimately this slavery of white women to black beasts will bring this nation a conflict as fatal as ever reddened the soil of Virginia or crimsoned the mountain paths of Pennsylvania… Let us uproot and exterminate now this debasing, ultra-demoralizing, un-American and inhuman leprosy

 Congressional Record, 62d. Congr., 3d. Sess., December 11, 1912, pp. 502–503

Could you imagine someone seeing your true love as ‘debasing…inhuman leprosy”?

In 1967, the Lovings were arrested and charged with adultery for living together as an interracial couple. In the Lovings v. Virginia case, they won the lawsuit and the Supreme Court struck down anti-miscegenation laws related to interracial marriage, considering them unconstitutional. Louisiana repealed the law in 1975, Mississippi in 1987, South Carolina in 1988 and Alabama held on to it until 2000. Consider those anti-miscegenation laws remained in some state constitutions for over 30 years after it was deemed unconstitutional by the United States Supreme Court!

Why am I telling you our love story? Because, nearly 53 years ago, our love was illegal.

We will Continue to Love

The fight to maintain the right to marry freely is not over. As recently as 2009, a Louisiana Justice of the Peace, refused to marry a couple because they were interracial partners. Understanding that this was only about 10 years ago, lets us know that we have a LONG way to go to fully address the systemic discrimination that people face in this country.

Meanwhile, we will continue to love. We will honor the Lovings and other courageous people like them by living with our partners proudly. We will continue to love without regard to archaic societal positions and perspectives. Instead of bowing to the (now implied) anti-miscegenation social norms, we will proudly take up a slice of the American marriage pie, representing 17% of marriages in the United States. We will continue to love our partners, have healthy parent/child relationships and positively contribute to our global society. Because what we have is BEAUTIFUL.

“Love recognizes no boundaries. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope.”

Maya Angelou

A Monsoon of Crisis

It has been an overwhelming couple of months, y’all. The year started with chaos at work. Then. the Covid-19 pandemic hit. Although I am a textbook extrovert, I welcomed time at home with my guys, a stacked fridge and Netflix. I was overdue to some downtime and self-care! Just when I was finding my rhythm, someone sent me a video to watch with the caption, “Can you believe this ****?!” That should have been my first clue not to watch it, but it was a fellow social worker so I figured that it was something outlandishly funny or something that required immediate and serious attention. It proved to be the latter as I watched a young black man being gunned down in the street. Ahmaud Aberey. My soul is instantly troubled. I could feel the rumblings under the earth and knew that this usually happens in threes. Then, Breonna Taylor. Shot in her bed by unmarked officers at the wrong home, in the middle of the night. My thoughts began to race throughout the day; I struggled to understand how things like this happen. I started reading up on the disproportionate amount of women killed by police officers. I try to balance the heaviness with sleep and some self-care. And just when I got to the place where I could process the current events without it pulling me under, a new video surfaced. This time, I knew what would happen and I didn’t watch it. I just couldn’t. But the details began to surface. “That cop has such a smug look on his face.” “He said, ‘I can’t breathe’!” “Oh my God, I fell apart when he called for his momma…” Without ever pressing play, it was like I was standing on the street corner, watching yet another black person die by the hands of the vigilante. I couldn’t fall asleep without my thoughts racing to those faces. My appetite began to wane; almost a whole day would pass before I realized I hadn’t eaten anything. Tears would fall, without hesitation, when I would look at my wonderfully blended boys and realize that I would have to have the ‘Talk’ with them sooner than I was ready for. My anxiety was so deep that I felt like my limbs could take flight if I wasn’t grounded by someone or something.

We are not Alone

“Three times the charm,” I thought, ironically, as the world began to raise its voice in lament. #blacklivesmatter was tagged all over social media platforms and protests were already being formed. People were speaking out. They were angry. They were sad. They were disappointed. Why did this keep happening?? How many black and brown people have to die before we, as a collective, set things right?

In the midst of my frenetic combing through historical race laws, brushing up on deeply systemic the racist structure is in our country and digging into social media platforms to glean from the brilliant minds of today’s scholars on race, I came across a video clip. In this shot, it was a little girl, on one knee, first in the air, watching a protest stream by her. She remained there, even after one of the protesters broke rank and gave her a fist bump. My racing thoughts screeched to a halt. Our children are experiencing this! Our children are experiencing this WITH US! There is no invisible shield that is protecting their hearts and minds from the crises. While I was struggling to process grief/loss, pandemic, societal ills, vicarious trauma, so were my babies.

While I understand that kids and adults do not process in the exact same manner, I was able to connect the dots. Struggling to sleep at night? Check. Increased irritability and tearfulness? Check. Need for closeness, extra hugs and kisses? Check. Furtively looking at me as if gauging my mood? Check. My beautiful boys were living with their own stressors and feelings and, as devastated as I was as an individual, I felt this intense desire, as their mother, to help them deal with their emotional aches and pains in a way that wouldn’t overwhelm them. I had to find a place, fill it with grace and hold space for them to explore their feelings. And, by God, I was going to figure out how to do that.

Let’s Have a Talk

I started by creating space for my thoughts and feelings. I had to offload some of these heavy and complex emotions in a safe and meaningful way. So, I reached out to my Lafayette Mom friends, dug in deep with my accountability team and my husband got ears full of my feelings and thoughts. I was talking it out and writing it out and was reaping the benefits of my explorations. Now that I realized how much of my experiences were parallel to those of my kids, my husband and I decided that we would have a talk with them. As we are prone to doing, we piled up in our bed with the kids and started with a simple, “This is happening. What do you think about it?” It was as if they had been waiting for us to initiate the conversation. We explored mommy’s decision to leave her job. Edison empathized feeling worried and nervous, “I feel like that sometimes, like when I go to school.” We talked about things that make us sad, like when someone pushed us down on the playground. “Mom, when you feel sad and hurt, I feel sad and hurt.”, Oliver expressed, which almost brought me to my knees. But, I was reminded of how important it is to consider the children, especially during times of crisis. Assuming that they are too young to process what is happening around them is erroneous. They may not be able to aptly express what they are thinking about the environment around them but they are definitely feeling the energy of the space they live in. Making the space for them to process doesn’t mean that you neglect your emotional self but that you invite them close to you as they grow in emotional intelligence.

Today, at 12:01 am, I resigned from my position as the school social worker at the charter school I have been employed with since 2017. My resignation was submitted with resignation. I hadn’t planned on leaving just yet. With the pandemic hitting hard in the fourth quarter of the 19-20 school year, I felt the overwhelming urge to be there for our students when they finally returned back to school. Knowing the significant challenges some of our kids’ experience – homelessness, hunger, child abuse and neglect, abject poverty – I felt that they needed to see familiar faces and know that they remained important enough to us that we continued to show up.

In the three years I worked there, I gave it my best effort to be a positive, affirming part of the academic environment. Understanding that social work can be intensive and filled with critical moments, I initiated and maintained collaborative work relationships that carried us through some pretty rough days. There were many opportunities to grow in this position and, boy, did I! I learned the indisputable power of Safe Space. Children spend so much of their days feeling unsafe, whether it is because of academic struggles, social/relational skill issues, and/or emotional/cognitive/mental delays. Being able to come into a physical space and breathe, without worrying about what someone would think was paramount to some kids’ daily success. I learned the infinite value that trauma-informed social work brought into the educational environment. My student/social worker connections were healthy and consistent; even students with chronic emotional and behavioral struggles gravitated towards me when in crisis. They knew that we would work on their troubles together, safely, and with respect. I love these students and respect the educators that instructed them. We made a good team…

Must all Good Things Really Come to an End?

In the time I spent working in this school setting, there were many instances that required me to step into the role of the advocate. Whether it was ensuring that students’ rights remained protected or requesting additional resources to help a child who struggled with making it through the school day, I was willing to champion them. As expected, there were times when it was met with resistance. I heard statements like, “I just want to make sure that we are all on the same page.” when I provided resources to a parent whose child faced stringent consequences. Still, I leaned in and advocated my heart out for my students. It didn’t make me popular but it set the precedent that I would do my job with integrity.

As a licensed social worker, I serve from the perspective of six key values: service, social justice, dignity and worth of a human being, importance of human relationships, competence and integrity. In this position, these values were challenged regularly. I remember my clinical supervisor asking me, during a session, “Do you think that you can maintain your integrity in this position?” And, although I answered yes, without hesitation, I remember reflecting on our discourse later that evening. I remember thinking, “so far, you have been able to maintain integrity while doing the work. But, what happens if it could cost you your job?” Little did I know that it would be part of the ultimate test of my career.

You Put a WHAT in my Office??

Mid-February, I walked into my office and placed my items on my desk. I quickly realized that there was a fine film of sheetrock dust on my desk. On my chair. On the floor. It was EVERYWHERE. I frantically looked around to see what could have caused such a mess. As I glanced up, I realized that there was a security camera. In my office. What in the world was it doing there?? I beelined to my direct supervisor and wanted to know what, when, how, who…I was so full of questions! And I was immediately filled with dread because I knew that a recording device in the therapeutic space was only allowed in the strictest of circumstances and this wasn’t it. After requesting a meeting with the school administration, I did what I thought was prudent – I reported the additional limitation of confidentiality to my licensing board. Why? For two reasons; one, I wanted to be proactive in alerting the board instead of someone informing the board about me. Two, I wanted to make sure I was not misunderstanding the law. After a series of meetings during which educators attempted to explain the Louisiana Social Work Practice Act to me while I explain, using the same laws, why I would be in violation, I was informed that the expectation remained that I continue to see children in my office, their safe space, with an active camera. It was also decided that I was not to obtain written informed consent that included the additional limitation of confidentiality. I was totally blown away. I didn’t understand the reticence, the entrenched refusal to even consider viable solutions to the issue. Even after receiving feedback from the social work board that supported my understanding of my legal and ethical expectations, the school’s stance did not change. I was ultimately told that the camera would remain in my office and that I could not obtain informed written consent from the parents regarding it. My choices were: comply or resign.

Can You Maintain Integrity in this Position?

I battled for solutions, friends. I really did. I loved the work. I loved my students. I wanted to be there when they showed up for school in August, overwhelmed and out of sorts. I wanted to be a part of an effective team that worked together harmoniously, putting the kids first. But, it became clear that it was not going to work out that way. Instead of collaborating on a viable solution (I had offered three and was open to options), I had been iced out, and then, targeted. The intimidation, the games, the coercion; it was in full effect. I could feel myself sinking deeper into anxiety. I knew that I was not going to back down from my request that they reconsider their stance and remove the camera. The students needed a safe space in the building to simply BE when struggling through the day. However, I quickly realized that this argument fell on deaf ears. Finally, when the actual legal and ethical standards that govern my profession was met with an ultimatum, I had to make a choice: will I bow to demands that violate the rights of the students and the social work profession or do I walk away?

Under duress, I decided to walk away. The question had been answered. No, I could no longer maintain my integrity in this position, as is. The position no longer allowed space for me to do so. And, as much as I love and will miss the students, I understand that I cannot do the work with integrity while submitting to illegal practices. As hurtful and demeaning as the experience was, I knew that I was able to practice social work with the honesty that is required in an effective social worker. My goal, upon accepting the position, was to leave the position in a better place than I left it. And, by the amazing responses of my coworkers throughout the day, I truly believe that I did.

Could you imagine how significant this season is for the Church? As chaos and turmoil heighten into civil unrest, members of our community have been appointed (and, hopefully, anointed) to provide spiritual guidance to so many who are searching for answers. Our expectations are for them to provide us with the perfect exploration of the complex, multilayered topic of race and fix everything. We want them to have all the answers and we want those answers to take away our responsibility to do the hard work towards racial restoration. Our humanity struggles with the humanness of our spiritual leaders, especially when they don’t respond in the way we think they should.

However, in today’s social climate, it is imperative that our spiritual leaders should be saying SOMETHING. Silence can be perceived as so many things – complicity, avoidance or apathy – and sends a mismanaged message to those who follows them. As someone said, “Silence speaks volumes.” Not saying anything, says something that is generally detrimental to the cause of justice. So, pastors, preachers, priests and other faith leaders are speaking up.

What are they saying?

John Gray/Steven Furtick: Why is the Church Silent – https://youtu.be/j8SyB-pyMp4

Jeremy Foster: Let’s Talk – https://youtu.be/9uEgXGNeXv8

Rick Langford: Sounds of Silence – https://livestream.com/landmarkchurch/sunday/videos/207121659

Christine Caine/Ron Carpenter/Dr. Carole Leaf et al: Bishop TD Jakes Presents: A Raw and Transparent Conversation on The Church and Race – https://youtu.be/xLt7jbJbU_0

Carl Lentz/Bishop TD Jakes: A discussion on Race – https://youtu.be/HYku4vlwnTQ

Lisa Sharon Harper: What if the unraveling is an opportunity for a new seed, America? – https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA-ocEqhInX/?igshid=15aeka7iypvit

Father Shelton Fabre: US Bishops speak out against racism and violent protests – https://youtu.be/jbiDFXOnpAQ

Lisa Brevere: Dropping Defenses – https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA6UoYBF5R5/?igshid=a8jvxw6fg0s9

These are just a few of the leaders who are speaking out against injustice and are having the courage to become vulnerable and transparent about the state of our world and how we can bring hope and reconciliation to a hurting humanity. To you all, I say, “Thank you!”

A Note to Thanks

Sitting in church this morning, with tears my eyes, I listened. I listened as my pastor emphathically and directly broke through the “Sounds of Silence” as he spoke to the heart of the matter. He stood behind the pulpit in protest to the silence and clearly stated the position Landmark Church. I felt heard. I felt seen. I felt that I mattered to those who matter to me. I sent him a text afterwards to thank him and thought that this note of gratitude expands to all spiritual leaders who have committed to lead their congregants with authenticity and courage.

Thank you. Thank you for being courageous to speak it in plain English, with no loopholes or displaced responsibility. Thank you for saying it, even though you will pay for it. Thank you for loving ALL people while recognizing the historical and current systemic discrimination that black communities face and believing that black lives truly matter. I want you to know that I love you. Thank you for being my ally all of these years. Landmark and the community of Lafayette is blessed to have you.

Leaders, it may be hard and you may face backlash from those resistant to acknowledging the truth: Jesus loves us all AND Black Lives Matter. But, know that we champion you and stand firmly beside you as you preach the Gospel. Let us walk together and, with God’s help, we can change the world.

After twelve hours of labor and an emergency C-Section, Wayne and I welcomed a beautiful baby boy. Looking at his perfect little face, hands and feet, we were in love. As we wrapped up our hospital stay, we signed paperwork to obtain his birth certificate, gathered our baby goodies and took our little biracial bundle of joy home.

Tagged from Birth

Several weeks later, as I looked through my hospital documents, you could imagine my surprise to see that my child, born of a white father and a black mother, was identified as ‘Black’ by the State of Louisiana. I was flummoxed. At no point, during my stay at the hospital was his race ever discussed with me or my husband by any hospital staff member. Never had there been any determination from either me nor his dad as to how we wanted to identify his race. It. Just. Was. Regardless of his actual racial heritage, the government determined his race for us. He is considered black. Why did the state and federal government mandate decide to label children of interracial descent as one of minority race only? Because of the archaic one-drop rule, that’s why!

What exactly is the One-Drop rule?

From the mid 1600s to the late twentieth century, certain states determined that laws were needed to monitor and maintain the segregation of racial bloodlines. Thus, laws such as Louisiana Act 46 of 1970, were created. A pertinent piece of the legislation stated:

“In signifying race, a person having one-thirty second or less of Negro blood shall not be deemed, described or designated by any public official in the state of Louisiana as `colored,’ a `mulatto,’ a `black,’ a `negro,’ a `griffe,’ an `Afro-American,’ a `quardroon,’ a `mestizo,’ a `colored person’ or a `person of color.'”

Such laws attempted to quell any interest between people of multiple races; the consequences for violating anti-miscegenation mandates ranged from the illegitimation of the couple’s children to felony charges and a prison sentence. It wasn’t until 1967, when the Lovings, an interracial couple, were jailed for a year for violation of the law, that the Supreme Court ruled the law unconstitutional and forced 16 states, including Louisiana, to repeal their laws regarding interracial marriage and procreation. Still, laws such as the aforementioned Act 46, were created to ensure that racial lines remained intact.

Throughout American history, state and federal governments used such mandates to clutter the path to racial equality. This law and others like it segmented peoples into minority groups and allowed the ‘superior race’ to maintain priority in the power and social hierarchy. Even when certain laws were abolished, the mentality persists, slowing down our quest for justice. Years later, we are still experiencing just how pervasive systemic racism can be.

Race and the American Educational System

Fast forward to 2018, it is time for Edison’s introduction to ‘big boy school’ and he is so excited! Wayne and I attend Registration Rush and, as we are filling out his paperwork, the question came up regarding his race. I didn’t answer it. Upon turning it in, the teacher gathering the information, said, “Oh, you didn’t fill out the race part. Don’t worry, I’ll do it for you.” I watched as she wrote “AA” (for African American) on the form. I informed her that he was biracial and I wanted both races on his cumulative school record. She seemed thoroughly taken aback. It was as if no parent had made this request before. She allowed me to amend the document but said, “I’ll consider him to be whatever race you want…but the school district may not.” Mind blown! From birth to his initiation into the educational system, his identity was being decided for him. It further highlighted that, although the one-drop laws are technically off the books, the systemic roots of racism run really deep.

In light of the current cultural and political landscape, we have to ask ourselves, why are we still subscribing to this construct? Why are we still allowing these archaic laws to dictate who we are? This construct diminishes the rich heritages represented in the American populous to white, American Indian, Asian and black. Instead of providing space for an individual to self-identify without pressure and create connection through culture, multiracial members of society feel the pressure from the government to make a choice.

Subscribing to the Construct

Here’s the reality of the continuation of adhering to the one-drop rule: it causes a slow eradication of whiteness from the American culture. As race laws always punished those who dared to love, live and procreate interracially, the premise of the mandate is that the white bloodline is so pure that the minority bloodline contaminates and overwhelms its presence. For National Geographic’s 125th anniversary issue, they explored the powerful impact of interracial/multiracial families on the social construct of race. And the projection is that, by 2050, the majority will become the minority. If that is the case, why should any credence be given this social construct at all? Why are we still allowing laws to tell us who we are?

So, where are Wayne and I today, regarding this rule? We denounce it. It is the perpetuation of racism that works to maintain rigid lines between races when the reality is, the color spectrum is just that, a SPECTRUM. People are becoming more and more interested in their cultural history and it is revealing A LOT. They are learning that they aren’t simply ‘white’ but Irish/Arabic/French/Sub-Saharan African. Instead of simply being ‘black’, people are discovering they are actually Guyanese/Scottish/Italian/American Indian. We have determined to embrace our cultures and teach our sons to explore and own ALL of themselves, not just the parts that make American society comfortable. Providing them with full cultural context gives them the opportunity to invest in themselves uniquely. They have the power to identify who they are instead of relying on the chronically toxic American system to do it for them. Why live in narrow race boxes when we can be living in wide-open cultural spaces?

What are you doing to maintain Wellness?

During this season, it is imperative that we find ways to check in with ourselves to ensure that we are truly okay. It doesn’t always take in-depth assessments to do this. We simply need to evaluate our ability to strike a healthy balance in our daily lives. Here are four questions that can help you do just that.

Study after study explores long-lasting benefits of expressing gratitude. Life provides us with many opportunities to be grateful. We simply have to be intentional in finding them. Whether it is big or small, celebrating life’s moments is vital to our emotional and mental health. Tip – don’t wait until you experience huge wins to show thankfulness. Celebrate the little ones, too!

Who has been on your heart and mind lately? We tend to think about people for a variety of reasons. One of those reasons is that we desire to connect with them. Don’t hesitate to reach out! Text, email, call, initiate a video meetup! Make the effort to maintain healthy connections with those who matter to you.

This is can be a challenging question for us. Holding on to certain things and people may bring comfort, especially in a season of quarantine. Letting go of toxic, redundant or overall ineffective things, people and processes can be hard! Consider this: holding on to dysfunction may bring temporary reprieve but letting go of it can promote true peace. Which would you prefer?

Whether we are elbows deep in dirt, tending to our gardens, or making amazing chalk art, we are contributing to the beauty around us. Think of ways to continue doing so! It may not be huge creative moments every day but fostering creativity is valuable to our overall health. Not the creative type? (Trick question! We ALL are!) Consider how to invite beauty into your life. Are we accepting global efforts to kindness as beauty? What about the beautiful weather we have been experiencing? It’s been near perfect! There is beauty everywhere; we just have to open our hearts and accept it.

Check in with yourself and let us know how you’re doing!

I could tell when he woke up this morning that it was an “Oh No!” kind of day. He seemed irritable and withdrawn. His usual voracious appetite dwindled down to him leaving his breakfast half-eaten. And, most noticeably, he looked sad. After intervening in three different conflicts between him and his brother before breakfast, one being that he wanted his biscuit closed after I put jelly on it (and I didn’t because he demanded it…Go, me. #powerstruggle ?), he sat at the dinner table in a full-blown pout. I squelched the desire to gather up his little 5-year old attitude and throw it out the front door and, instead, sat next to him.

“What is going on, bud?”

He grunted and turned away.

“Do you need space? Do you need a hug?

He turned to me and said, “I need a hug.“

As I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled him close to me, I felt deep empathy for him. Before I even asked, I knew what was going on. Everything was off. Even with the effort to provide him with some daily structure at home, it was just not the same. As I held him, he burst into tears. Heartbroken sobs came from deep in his little soul. And, I felt that. As I recently explored in a Lafayette Mom post, sometimes we all need a good cry. We just need to be held and told that this topsy turvy experience is just temporary. He said that he missed his classroom, his friends, his teachers. I told him that, although I didn’t know when he would see them again, he can have as many hugs as he needed today.

Ways to Help Kids Deal With Transition

When we think about transitions in our own lives, we consider the big ones first, like moving to a new city, losing a job, marriage, divorce or adapting to parenthood. That level of change caused ripple effects in our lives that may still affect us to this day. As we are prone to prioritize importance to life events based on their impact on our lives, it is easy to overlook or minimize the impact of change on our children.

And, let’s face it: A 30-day school shutdown that came without warning is a huge deal to a child. I am an adult and was SHOOK by the news! So, imagine trying to process such a major change as a child who, for better or worse, came to rely on the structure that most educational environments provide. Frankly, I’m surprised that it took him so long to express his feelings about missing school. Still, as a mom, I want to help him acclimate to this new experience as healthy as possible.

Here’s what is working for us…

1. We are focusing on social-emotional health. As important as the academic work is during this season, we are highlighting SE skill building that will benefit them in life, regardless of what grade they are in. (Check out our #LearningatHome post on nataliebunner.com for in-depth exploration of this! )
2. We are trying to keep the communication lines open. Most teachers use some form of communication app, such as ClassTag or Remind, to maintain an open dialogue with parents. We are using this to keep communication open with their teachers and friends! Whether we make a little video or email a virtual note or an e-card, our goal is to help maintain positive interaction with their peers until they reunite at school.
3. We are fostering empathy. This is a great opportunity to model and encourage compassion for others who may also feel disconnected and lonely. We have a Creative Moment planned to make cards for some awesome seniors in our community nursing homes. This allows them to process their own feelings about the recent upheaval while bringing hope and positivity to others.

There is no magic cure for taking away the transition blues. However, with time, love, and tons of hugs, we can help our kids deal with this transition and many more to come. Parents, what are YOU using to help your children deal with this transition? We would love to hear from you!

School’s Out for…Ever??

Our world is in a challenging season, isn’t it? We are now faced with a new pandemic that shall not be named because everybody and their mother is talking about the dreaded “C-word” right now. However, it has forced us to change our daily routines, embrace the term ‘social distancing’ and, honestly, consider our mortality. My kids were restricted from school for 30 days. 30 DAYS! Thankfully, I also work in an educational environment and also was sequestered to my home for the allotted days. I fluctuate between feeling worried about the possible outcomes of the virus and frustrated about the professional plans that are now on hold due to this outbreak. I was deep into the worry/frustration of it all when I realized…

The kids are watching…

My sons are 6 and 5. They do not truly understand why they cannot attend school for several weeks. Or, when they will get to see their friends again. If you’ve struggled to process the past few days, think of how your children are feeling. Although my husband and I sat down with them and explained it as close to their level as we could, I’m not sure if they really grasped what is going on. But, they were watching us. I know that they are taking their cues from us; how we respond to the issues that surrounded us helps them determine their own response.

So… What do I want them to learn in this season?

It’s probably not what you think. Although most diligent parents are concerned about their kids’ education and are taking action to preserve academic progress, the lessons I’m teaching aren’t generally found in a textbook. Here are the learning areas that are worth visiting (and revisiting) with your kids:

• Emotional Regulation: The unfortunate reality is that very few educational settings allow room for social-emotional learning. The expectation in most classrooms is that children should automatically know how to manage their emotional selves. During our #learningathome experiment, we have focused on identifying emotions and how to manage them. Using both real-life experiences and this awesome collection of YouTube videos Baby A Nursery – Feeling and Emotions, we are working towards building the vital skillset of emotional management.
• Child/Adult Relationship: In the words of LR Knost, “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” This is a major life lesson for parents as well. Although I have been working with children for over 25 years and have two kids of my own, I realize that I may be working on this lesson for the rest of my life. Helping my kids build healthy discourse with the adults in their lives by using their listening ears during interaction with others, disagreeing appropriately, and negotiating their needs respectively is vital to their maintaining positive relationship with others.
• Promoting Proximal Development: Every one of us is growing in some area of our lives. Kids are learning things like dressing themselves, personal hygiene and cleaning up after themselves. They may not be able to do those things with 100% accuracy but they in the developing stages of these areas, which needs to be promoted. So, taking advantage of the 30-day ban, the boys are required to make an effort to take care of themselves, within reason. They chose their clothes and dress themselves every morning, for example. Is it executed with perfection daily? No. And, that’s okay. They are LEARNING. These skills will benefit them for the rest of their days.
• Resilience: One of the safest places to foster resilience is in the home. The boys are learning how to deal with hurt feelings, speak assertively versus aggressively and disagree appropriately. Teaching them how to bounce back from a skinned knee, problem solve on their own and deal with disappointment are vital lessons that will serve them well in life.

What are you and your kids #LearningatHome?

This school restriction may be a blessing in disguise, my friends. I know many of you want to do what is best for your kids during this uncertain time. As challenging as this time is, I hope that strengthening these skills within our kids is at the forefront of our training. Your kids will thank you later!

This may come up as you sit around the family table tomorrow. You know what I’m talking about – the two conversations that rarely end well. No, not LSU and Nick Saban! Religion and politics. You know your family better than I do. Do YOU think you should initiate the conversation about the impeachment hearings or Chick-Fil-A pulling their holy funds from anti-LGBTQIA+ organizations?

Well, do you??

Here’s my disclaimer: I truly understand the value of healthy, crucial conversations. When both parties are listening to understand and exploring thought with truth and grace, the revelations birthed from that discourse can deepen a relationship in such a profound way. If these are the family dynamics around your Thanksgiving table, go forth and have a blessed holiday season.

But for the rest of us… Let’s talk

The primary question to consider is this: what kind of holiday experience do we want? It’s an important question. Our answer will influence how we will approach holiday table talk. If we want to have conversations with family and friends that foster love and laughter at the dinner table, consider that exchanging hilarious stories from childhood might be more effective than bringing up the 2020 election.

Remember, we have no control over how uncle JJ will behave after his second two-finger pour. He may initiate his opinion of the Catholic church. But, does that mean we have to react to his notions? If Grandma starts hounding you about finding a man (“but NOT a Muslim!”) or having another baby (“A girl, already! You have enough boys!”), do we allow our emotions to impair our ability to navigate those statements?

Perhaps, instead of giving them our “keeping it 100” retort, we should remind ourselves of our preferred holiday experience and consider a few ways to capture it:

• Redirect the conversation to something that we can both explore in a meaningful way.
• For the more persistent intrusions, speak kindly and firmly that we are not interested in conversing about the offensive topic today.
• If they are insistent in pushing toxic conversations, don’t be afraid to discontinue the interaction and start a conversation with someone else. Why? Because BOUNDARIES, that’s why!

The holiday table can be a minefield at times. Our families aren’t always in perfect sync and things can get hairy as we try to connect with each other. However, we can get through the day unscathed simply by intentionally using our words to bring light, love and laughter. Just know that, if the family holiday experience becomes such an arduous task that we dread attending, we should probably process why we continue to go. It might be time to start a new holiday tradition!

Sara Kuburic, CCC (@millennial_therapist) dropped this awesome post on Instagram that supports our efforts to speak kindly and firmly to intrusive conversations, Enjoy!